As Time Goes On: Two Anniversaries of Note

As most of my readers know, the month of April is full of many tearful moments, mixed with the bitter sweetness of our wedding anniversary.

When Johnny was in the NICU after he got sick, we learned he had a brain bleed so significant that he would not survive.  We prayed for the Lord to take him home, so we wouldn't have such a tough decision to make.  As a parent, it's not something you plan on, having to make the decision to let your son go.  We quickly learned it was one we would have to make.  Hearts broken, we chose to let him go home to Jesus, April 19th 2010, just one day before our 16th wedding anniversary.  Even after all he had been through, he had a strong heart, with a will to live even until the end.  After one last breath, his precious little heart continued to beat for nearly an hour, until it slowed to a stop.  We sat holding him, with our hands on his chest, waiting for that last moment, and praying that God would help to heal our hearts as we grieved him.  While it was a triumph for him, and he would no longer suffer, we sat with broken hearts that longed to reverse time. 

It was not part of the plan, and we painfully learned, that our plans were not our own.  It was hard to celebrate a wedding anniversary that was ahead of us, less than 8 hours from letting our son go to his eternal home...

In spite of this loss, we chose to press on, and fight for what we knew would be ahead of us, a new life of uncertainty.  We knew that we would struggle, we knew it was going to feel terrible, for many years, but we made every effort to continue to fight for our family, and maintain a strong marriage, in hopes that we would persevere through even the lowest, darkest hours.  I sit here weeping for a time not long before those days.  A time that life seemed easy, and full of excitement and anticipation, that quickly faded into uncertainty.

While we know we do not have it all figured out, we do know this:  Marriage doesn't last because it's easy, it takes purpose, and a choice to love everyday in spite of ourselves and others.  It doesn't just happen on it's own, it's a job, we have to continue to work at and improve, looking for ways to be as selfless as possible to continue on.

This year, as with every year since we lost Johnny, we do something as a family, and we celebrate Johnny's home-going to a special place where we will see him again one day, and for a marriage and family that we fight for everyday.

I'm happy to say that after 19 years, I still love this man, with all my heart.

We are blessed.