Be Still My Soul

On the Friday we were given the news that Johnny would not survive his battle with meningitis a strange thing happened, that has stayed engrained in my mind forever.

We were driving to the hospital that morning, not far from our home, when out of the corner of eye something caught my attention.  The sun was shining in a way that lit up just a small spot very brightly.  As I looked toward that light, I noticed two white doves flying in that light.  It was as if they weren't really moving, just hovering in that light as we drove by.  I wondered as we drove on, if that was a sign of something big about to take place.  Obviously in my heart I hoped that we would be greeted with good news when we arrived at the hospital, but as we all know now, that was not to be.  It was strange to me that even after all the horrifying emotions of that dreadful day, seeing those two doves stood out to me as the days drug along.

On the day of Johnny's burial, the normally cold, windy Idaho, April days parted into a glorious light shining on the cemetery.  It was warm, the trees were in bloom, and the grass was kissed with a wet dew sparkling in the light.  It was more clear and beautiful that morning than I could have ever imagined or hoped for.  While we were devastated, we were certain that celebrating our sons life, and heavenly homecoming was the most important thing to teach our older children.  We were doing our best to have hope in our hearts; it took everything within us.  While we were waiting for the final family members to arrive, I sat looking at a tiny casket wondering how I was going to ever leave him and say a final goodbye. It was as if I sat there alone.  Silence surrounded me as if I was in a dream as the warm sun prompted me to take my jacket off.  As I was setting the jacket on the back of my seat, the sound of a bird caught my attention.  As I looked toward the sound I saw two doves standing on the grass near to me.  They stood still and turned their heads as if they were watching me.  There were many people around, walking and talking, but the doves remained in the grass very close.  It took my breath away, as I began to wonder if this was some sort of message to me.

Over the last 2 years, these two moments have replayed in my head repeatedly.  I've thought about what it could have meant, or if God was trying to tell me something, what could it be?   The last couple months, as I have had some flashbacks of the moments from April 2010, I felt a stirring in my soul, one of unease.  So, I prayed for the fear that gripped me to go away, for some sort of sign that I wasn't going at this alone, that God would give me comfort to get through this upcoming April.

Sunday evening as I sat quietly facing a door, there was a commotion by the window that caught my attention.  I saw some birds flying around as the sun was shining through the window, definitely nothing out of the ordinary until one bird stopped and hovered by the door flapping it's wings and looking in as if it were watching me.  It was a dove, this time just one.  A feeling of overwhelming peace washed over me and tears started streaming from my eyes.  I realized this was a sign.  It was a sign to show me, I do not walk this path alone.  In the times I am still, I find I get the message a little more loud and clear.

Be still my soul, for you do not walk this journey alone.