We carry On

Some days I have to dig a lot deeper to find reasons to have the will to carry on.  Thankfully these days are few, but when they hit, they hit hard.  Yesterday was one of those days.

Yesterday was Johnny's 6 month birthday.  26 weeks ago that precious little boy changed my life.  6 months is a fun age, and we know what we are missing, so I think in some ways that makes it a little harder.  One thing that amazes me though is that while 6 months doesn't seem like it was very long ago, it feels like an eternity.

All of Jake's travels this year enabled me to be able to go with him (after he had already arrived there) this weekend when he officiated his cousins wedding and then spoke at a church in Idaho, and while I wasn't even there 2 full days, I was able to have a chance to spend a little time with our son at his grave yesterday morning before our plane left.  It doesn't make any difference to him, I know, but it meant a lot to me to not be so far away on such a special day.  It was a busy weekend, I can't believe how much we did, and in such a short time.  It was a blessing to have been there, I am so thankful for that. 

Arriving back home I knew was going to be a challenge.  After my busy week last week and then leaving the kids for the weekend, I was certain there was going to be a very hectic evening.  I was correct.  This would be one time I would really have liked to be wrong.  They weren't ready for classes this morning, and forgot to do this and that, and I had to come home and be the nag.  Ugh!  When I went to say goodnight to the girls I found Emma crying her eyes out, and assumed she was sobbing because I told her to go to bed.  Boy was I ever wrong; I should never assume anything.  When I looked a little closer I saw she was holding the blanket she was given from one of the nurses in the NICU, and was missing her baby brother terribly.  My heart just broke into a million pieces seeing her suffer.  The ache is still deep and arrives at times we least expect it.  Sometimes we feel weak.

Six months after loss, is not what anyone would expect.  Some people assume that you should have moved on through the pain by then, some have even forgotten, or would like to ignore what happened.  It's not always a hard day, but for one reason or another we do have "those days" still.

The good news is that our little boy doesn't hurt or long.  The good news is that he is still in our hearts and will be forever.  The good news is that we will be with him again one day.

This is how we carry on. 

He will never be forgotten, and is always close in our hearts