Hard Days

It seems over these past days that there is a deeper ache than there is a peace.  This obviously isn't something we want to be feeling.  Relief, joy and happiness, are what we long for. 

To say it's been hard would be an understatement.  With each day we feel something different.  With each loss we endure as we go along, it brings with it a new emotion, some that we thought we had moved beyond.  Off and on I witness things in my kids that indicate they are struggling to understand the why's of it all.  I wish I had answers for them, all I have to offer is love and an extra hug as it is needed.

There are images and emotions that replay over and over in my mind that bring the hurt right back to me as if it were happening at this very moment once again.  Vivid details of all we went through as our son struggled for his life cause me to cringe and keep me from sleep.  Our time with him outside of my womb are unfortunately filled with difficult moments and not enough time to be a family with him the way we had dreamed.

I remember though, so many moments while he was safe inside me that I had time to bond and get to know him.  He had so much personality.  He played with his Daddy, and listened as we would sing to him.  He was calm when I took baths, and then scared when I pulled up the drain to let the water out.  He was most active when it was time for bed, and put on a show for us every night.  He let me know he was there very early on and danced on my bladder when he was just 9 weeks old, thanks to the placenta being so low.  He liked food, and did little jigs after I ate.  He made me laugh.  What a joy it was to be his mom, and call him my son.

As we go through these days, I have to cling to these things.  I can't help but feel though, that we have missed out on so much joy.  I know we have, and this is why it hurts.    How is that 22 weeks have passed so quickly and yet it seems so much longer than this since he has been gone.  It seems like a lifetime ago, only with memories that make it seem as if it were today.  We miss him.

A few weeks ago my nephew had this posted in his status on facebook:

"I pray for relief, but relief doesn't come.  Just the will to press on." 

This could not ring any more true in my life.  I know someday, relief will come.