Tugging my heartstrings

It was quiet upstairs this afternoon, just Philip was in the house with me.  I called out to find out what he was doing, and got a quiet response.

He was in the baby's room...thinking.  When I walked into the room, I found him standing at the crib, rubbing his hand over the blanket I placed there 4 long months ago.  Teary eyed, he said he missed Johnny.  I put my arm around him and we stood, quietly looking into an empty crib.

Finally we talked about the hope we had for the future.  Maybe a new brother or sister, one that would use the things in the nursery like we had anticipated for Johnny.  We talked about how we may have set the room up for our sweet boy, but he never even went in the room, that these precious things could be "hand me downs" for another precious someone.  When we left the room we had hope of a happier tomorrow.  Still teary eyed, but hopeful.

Some finality came today, if you can call it that.  I wasn't expecting this to come today, there had been some confusion I suppose, I thought we had at least another couple months of waiting...but the death certificate arrived, bringing with it a lonely feeling once again.  There is nothing more to wait on, except hearts to heal a little more with every day that passes.  While there may be a death certificate, I will keep remembering the happy little life that grew inside me for those special 9 months, and the first 2 days I was able to look into his beautiful eyes, and hear his cry. For the next 6 days that I would spend holding his hand, singing to him, just touching him.  It's life that we must remember, not a legal piece of paper with just words on it.  That doesn't tell of the LIFE... Our memories do.