The day after

Yesterday was as hard as it can get.  To say goodbye hurt so deeply, and yet there was a beauty about the day that was unexplainable. 

The skies were so blue, and it was warm.  The funeral went as expected, and I was able to hold my son, one last time.  Putting him back in that tiny casket for the final time was heart wrenching.  To look at that sweet face and know that would be the last time I would gaze upon him took my breath away.  He was wrapped in a blanket I had slept on before he was born.  It was something I did with each of my kids before they arrived, so maybe they would be comforted by my scent.  This time though, it gave me comfort to know he would have a little bit of me with him.  The cemetary was so beautiful, set back in the foothills overlooking the Boise valley.  The trees were in full spring bloom, and fragrant with flowers.  As the Pastor spoke a breeze picked up while we prayed and said our final goodbye.  Jake and I stood alone after everyone left and prayed just like we had done so many years ago when we prayed for him to come into our life.  We prayed that our hearts would be healed, restored, and that Jesus would hold our little treasure close to him and let him know how much he was, and is loved. 

He will always be our son, and one day I will hold him close to me again.  I will hold onto the memories of a wonderful pregnancy and a crazy active little boy who stole our hearts from the very beginning.  What a joy he was to us all.  I will treasure the time I had with him in my arms, while it was short, it was so wonderful.  I pray that we find healing soon, and that our empty arms will be filled again. 

Today, the pain and the ache feels different.  It might just hurt a little more, and the grief, well, I don't know how long that will last.  I do know that God is holding me, my family and my baby Johnny so close. 

Once again, we can never tell you all how much your prayers and love mean to us all.  Love to each one of you.