When My Heart Feels Heavy

Today has been one of those days.

Johnny is on my mind.  As of late, when I think about him, it doesn't hurt as deeply as it used to, but today, it's that deep fresh hurt, pulling at my heart.  I am missing him.  I hate that I am forgetting the sound of his breath next to my ear, and how he smelled.  Today I long for him.

Some might wonder why, or how I could feel the way I do, when I have a beautiful little girl that brings us so much joy.  The answer to that is simple to me:  Marlo wasn't a replacement for Johnny, she was a hope of a future and an answer to prayer, but not meant to be a wall that divided us from that tragedy.  There will always be a longing for that precious little boy in my heart.  Any mother who has experienced losing a child can understand that, and those that have been close to a mother mourning can understand to an extent what that means.  He existed, and speaking his name and talking about him and his memory helps me heal.  I don't want him to be forgotten, and sometimes I think there are people who would rather forget than remember because honestly as we all know, the remembering hurts.

There are days I feel like I am standing at a wall so high and wide that there is no way up or around it.  Today is one of those days.  I am thankful this doesn't happen as often as it once did, but still amazed at how fresh and raw it feels when it creeps in.

Today is one of those days.

I am disgusted by humanity today.  I know there are good people, but isn't it true that the ugly acting people stand out most?  No care for anyone but themselves, and an outright ignorance that surrounds them as if they are the only important person still standing on this earth.  We are surrounded by that lately.  It makes me sick.  People lack morals these days, and take advantage in ways that are unfathomable to me.  Where is the compassion?  Where did love and forgiveness go?  Why do people set out to destroy, in order to get ahead?  I don't know if I will ever understand the answers to these why's.

I do know however, that it is up to us to break that cycle that holds us in chains that bind us to selfishness and self-centeredness.

Choosing to love today, in spite of people and their dumb selves.