Another Birthday, without the Boy

2 years.

I struggle to believe it's been two years since I held my sweet son the day he was born.  Even harder to believe that time was so limited.

I wish I would have known that then.

Every day I look into the eyes of my children thankful for each day I have with them.  Thankful that I can touch their faces, and see their beautiful smiles.  To listen to them all laughing and chasing each other up and down the stairs, and watch as they play with their cutie pie baby sister.  I think they take it in just a little more as well.

This year, as we still celebrate his life by recognizing his birthday I think back to the smell of his sweetness, and the touch of his soft skin.  The dark, red streaked hair that framed a sweet full face.  Long legs and arms and feet that looked like mine.  Stretches and sighs and little lips and eyes that stole my heart.  Those days were too short, but are engrained in my memory as treasured moments.  He was everything we had hoped and dreamed of.  This year, I miss him just as much as I ever have.  I don't think it will ever lessen, we will always long for him to be with us.

Early this morning as I sat in bed feeding Marlo and thinking about today being Johnny's birthday the emotions of it all hit me.  Last year when we reached his first birthday, we were in the fight of our life for our twin daughters.  John Carters birthday was a hard day for us, but at the same time we were on a mission again for the lives of our children and it lessened the sting of the day to have our minds running in so many directions.  2 days later we would find out we lost our Baby A, little Claire, and then the fight began for keep our little B safe and sound as long as possible before being born.  We added another loss to an already hard week.  I feel it more this year, and as I try to not let it gang up on me, I am overwhelmed with this lump in my throat and at the verge of tears.

Last year we were distracted with worry for our unborn babies.  This year that distraction is gone, and I see more clearly today than I did a year ago.

Life is so very precious.  More than we ever could have known.

Johnny was perfect but lost his battle from sickness.  Claire was perfect and free of sickness, but a faulty placenta could no longer sustain her.

Then a rainbow stretched across the sky and a miracle of miracles happened.  A little tiny girl, born too soon and so small survived.

I've learned so much, but most of all.  Not my plans, but the Lord's will guide and direct me, all the days of my life.  He's got it all under control.  While I don't have those two sweet little ones sitting at my side, they are where they were made for:  Their eternal heavenly home and they are more than I could have ever imagined.  My heart still and will always miss them.

Sweet little boy, how I love you so.  Happy Birthday.  We will celebrate you and your day as a special day for as long as we live upon this earth.  Daddy and I miss you more than we ever knew possible.
Happy, Happy Birthday.  We are so thankful to have you as our son.