It seems to be what comes to mind the most lately. We may never have an answer, but it doesn't hurt to try, and it does give me something to do.
Right now I wish I was a doctor so I could read these pathology results and understand what went wrong. I know it won't bring him back, but it may help me understand a little more. That would help with the healing process a bit.
It's hard to be home, so many reminders of Johnny are everywhere. And the questions...so many of those from people who don't know what happened. Makes me want to run away and hide in a hole so I don't have to keep re-living this nightmare over and over again. It's a necessary part of all this, and I suppose it does promote healing in a way, but when I am asked where my baby is and have to say he passed away there is a horrified look on the persons face that asked the question. It's hard on everyone.
We are healing and God is giving us strength. I think we are at a stage of really wanting to know the why's and even are a bit angry. Just one of those stages that we must go through. I know this stage will pass and we will move on to a new one.
So, all in all, I would say today was a tough one. Requesting medical records and being at the hospital to do so didn't help things. It was hard to walk in there, right past the maternity and NICU wing and not cry. I'm sure there are many more days of tears ahead. Until then we just keep praying for strength, and understanding. We are feeling God's arms around us, and we ask that you continue to pray for us as we walk this journey. It's just one step at a time that we are taking, and each day brings something new.
Hoping that I will be able to soon put into words, Johnny's story to share with you all. I'm a little scatter brained right now, and will get to that soon. For now, I hold onto the joy he brought us in his short life. It does help to get me through.
Emmeline's Fifth Birthday :: ANIMALS!
5 years ago