What's that saying again? Time flies when you're having fun? In this case time wasn't rushing past us because of great happy times. Who can possibly be having fun when they are longing for and missing someone. That part, not fun. Sure there have been some very wonderful, good and happy times in the past 5 years, but the heartache remains. The heartache remains.
For us, this drastic unexpected shift in our lives changed everything. We've been grieving not just the loss of our son, but the loss of innocence, of a world that once seemed safe. Light that left the eyes of our older children, a husband who has had a fight within himself because he couldn't fix it, couldn't go back and be the hero and couldn't protect. In me, a fear of not being able to make it okay, and know that I had to continue to get up daily and keep going no matter what was in front of us. It's been a definite struggle. It rocked our family to it's very core. 5 years later, we are no different than the day we learned Johnny would not be coming home with us. A part of us is still very broken, and no words or time will fix that brokenness. With time the hurt is not as raw, but, when a piece of your family is gone, it cannot be replaced. As a family, we've experienced a life change that changed who we are. Sometimes it's for better, but in all honesty, sometimes, it is not for the better. We look to God for help, and we receive that help. In this world though, we are going to feel grief, longing, have struggles, feel sadness, and yes, at times even hopelessness. Thankfully this is not a constant, and in all this we can and do find joy, happiness, peace, hope and even feel healing. Regrettably, the latter cannot exist without the other junk. Not a single one of us is immune of this.
What we are feeling, experiencing and have been from that dreadful day, can be found in the pictures that follow.
After all, this beautiful boy was so wanted, loved, and prayed for. I look at this sweet face and I smile. He was amazing.
I was so proud to be his mom, to love him, hold him, give him all the love I could possibly have held within my heart. I look at this picture, and I feel him in my arms, I feel that feeling I felt when I looked at his sweet face.
Then we arrive here. How did we go from the picture above to this? Alive and well, to this? I couldn't do anything to help him. I couldn't hold him, and felt my world being pulled from beneath me. It was so hard to believe he was so sick. I felt my heart breaking.
I felt my heart breaking in so many ways. I held my son in my arms that day knowing we were saying goodbye, and bringing our children in to say goodbye. They did not expect to come and see their baby brother that day and learn that he was dying. The joy that was in their eyes was snuffed out that day. Everything they knew had changed. I still see the desperation in my husbands eyes as he left the room to break the news to the children as I sat holding Johnny, hoping beyond all hope that they must be wrong, but knowing in my heart they weren't. I still see the look on my older sons face, and my heart breaks in a way no mother should know. It wasn't just me that lost a son, not just a father that buried his precious boy, but three beautiful children that wanted that baby to be a part of our lives. We could not have been prepared to know what was ahead for us or for them, and we are still learning what grief means, because grief is different for us all, and there were 5 of us going through different emotions and thoughts. We still see it, in fact I think we are just beginning to see some of it surface as these kids become adults and start lives of their own, in the choices they make, or even have a hard time making. Why is this? Simply this, they learned that even making decisions about our lives does not deliver definite answers and clear paths for our lives. Nothing is certain.
We can't plan our lives and the ways we expect them to go. Something unexpected is bound to arise, as it did on our path. Some dreams are reached and some not, Some things are better than we had hoped and other things are harder than we ever knew possible. While is picture does not represent what we look like today, there are days that this is where our hearts are. Broken and longing.
We have experienced great healing, but through this valley has come a change unexpected, some good, some bad, and completely beautiful. I see beauty and love unending when I look at this picture. I see hurting hearts, and pain. I see hope, and peace in this picture. That hope and peace only exists because we trust in a God bigger than all this stuff we go through, and a hope that one day we will be reunited with this boy we love and miss so desperately. We are being made new every day, and the sun continues to shine on us. We have love, hope, peace, and most of all we see JOY daily....but in each day, these hard days, they are still there.
In 5 years, so many things have changed for us. Every single day we choose to find joy, and we do. Don't get me wrong in this post. I am just sharing my heart, what we feel and have endured. We are not stuck here, but this goes with us, in all we do, and every choice we make. Today we celebrate this sweet life that we miss terribly. He is worth celebrating every birthday, and today, he would be 5. 5! It's almost hard to believe it's been 5 years.
This morning, as I watch the littles playing I keep getting little gifts of hugs and kisses from a sweet little boy not even 2 yet, filling my heart with more joy than I think I deserve. My nearly 4 year old as she flashes a beautiful smile my way, makes this day worth celebrating. Precious gifts after such sorrow. I do not take a single day for granted, and I love more desperately than I knew I could.
Today though, I have many tears and my heart hurts for what would have been, had he lived and been here to have a wild party for an amazing 5 year old.