If I could go back four years from today, knowing what I know now, I would have a lot to tell my former self.
If the last four years were just a dream, and the events that rocked our world hadn't unfolded before our eyes, life would seem like a beautiful, perfect dream. A dream that was full of hopes that played out the way we happily imagined them to be.
Four years ago today, however, I was anxious for the baby to arrive. I remember how badly my back hurt, how my hips would seem to grind as I walked, how the weight of the baby made me feel as if my lower half was about to take on it's own form and separate from me. I was anxious to hold him, to smell him, to watch him grow, and see how this new little life transformed our family. After all, we had all prayed so many, many years for this tiny baby boy, and we couldn't wait to meet him.
I wanted him out, because I hurt, because I wanted to hold him. Had I known it would be for such a short time, I would have begged for him to stay put, inside of me, where he was more safe than he was after delivery. Maybe a day or two would have made a difference, and the outcome would be a 4 year old running around my house. These are all things I wish I could change, but, clearly cannot.
Life today looks different than I thought it would those four short years ago. So much has changed since that day. Our world was turned upside down, in an instant. We've shared more hurt than imaginable, and watched more and more of our loved ones go through hurts that we wish we could change.
Four years ago, we didn't know this deep hurt. We knew it existed, but it had never hit so close to home. What we've learned is, not one of us are as immune from the pains of this world. It could happen to anyone, at any moment, anytime. There can be deep sorrow, and deep beauty in an instant.
We've seen beauty from our ashes, and have watched it for other family members, as they grieve, love, and gain from the losses we thought could have ended us.
I suppose if I could go back, I would tell myself, to be still, and let God move in our life. Laugh more, Love deeply, Hold on Tighter, and anticipate better days ahead.
The picture of our life is very different than I thought it would be that day. While there are pieces to our family puzzle that are missing, and while we are so far from perfect and make huge mistakes, the picture I see is very beautiful.
For that I am grateful.
Life may be full of pain, but there is so much joy ahead, mixed into the ups and downs of life.