A Battle that Rages

It shouldn't be a big deal, but, it is.   I keep telling myself, it's just a car seat, and to get over it, but, I can't. 

This past year and a half we have faced mountains and walked through valleys, with faith that we would make it to the top, and out the other side.  I believe that is happening, but, not without some hiccups along the way. 

Sometimes it's little things, and sometimes not.  This time it's trivial, and shouldn't be a big deal.  In my head though, all I can do is associate one thing with another.  Wish I could cut it out. 

This is all over a car seat. 

As most of you know, last April we welcomed our long awaited baby boy, Johnny, to our family.  Only to lose him when he was 8 days old.  Everything was ready for him, the nursery, the car, the entire house, and his big sisters and brother.  We were eagerly awaiting bringing him home. 

When he passed away, I left the nursery as it was, clothes still hanging in the closet, blankets still in his crib for quite some time.  The one thing we packed up and put away, was his car seat.  We covered it and set it on top of some boxes in the garage. 

When the time came for us to think about buying another car seat, since we were expecting twins, I struggled a little with what to do.  I settled on buying the same type of seat, but different color, so our girls would have their own designated seat.  I fought with myself over which baby would use Johnny's seat, never able to settle on how I would choose. 

Now that we will be bringing home just one sweet little baby, and not the two we planned for, I find myself in turmoil over a silly car seat.  Which one do I use?  The one that our son sat in just a couple times, or the one in a box sitting unused, and meant for one of our twin daughters?  I ask myself over and over what the big deal is.  I don't know what it really is.  I do know how I feel right now.  I feel sad that my son isn't here, and that he didn't get the use out of that seat that we hoped for.  I know the other seat that sits empty represents a baby that didn't get to come home, and went straight into heavens arms.  I know that my beautiful daughter sits getting stronger and closer to coming home every minute, and all I want is to think about is her, and not the other things that bring me sadness, when I think about her homecoming.  

I am associating these feeling over a silly car seat.  My practical side says, suck it up and use one of the two seats sitting in the garage.  My emotional side says, just start over and get a new one, meant just for Marlo.  My cheapskate side says, what in the world are you thinking, buying another car seat. 

This all started because Miss Marlo has to pass a car seat test before she comes home.  So I have to pick one to take so she can take this test.  Which do I pick? 

I am thrilled to be Marlo's Mommy.  I am thrilled to be planning her homecoming that is coming so very soon.  I am thrilled that she is doing so well. 

I no longer want to focus on a car seat.  Just Marlo.  That's all.  She is my joy, as are all my children.  I can't wait to bring her home, when she is ready of course. 

I feel better getting that off my chest.  It's baby steps forward sometimes.  I am not a fan of how some of these things rage within us, and how it makes us feel.  I never know what it might be from one day to the next. 

What a year.  Life truly is crazy.  I am blessed, my family is blessed, and we are thankful for so many things.  You all are included in that. Thank you so much for praying for us continuously as we have walked this journey.  We are stronger because of that prayer and support. 

Keep praying for Marlo.  We are so close, I can taste it.  Will update you all later on her progress.  It's been good, and I have much to share.  :)